It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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