Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
