Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize