Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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