you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
