It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
this hospital has no fireball
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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