god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
