My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
