Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
