I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
