I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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