farters have to be the big spoon...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
