Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
