we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
