I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
