Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I know her cup size but not her name....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
