I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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