I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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