oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
