i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
