you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
