I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
