I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
