my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
