please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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