Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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