so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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