Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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