got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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