Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
