Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
