this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
