im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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