I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
