I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she pinky promised me she was 18
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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