I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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