I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So apparently I’m into choking now
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
