Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
