I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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