i think my tv is drunk
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
