Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
