I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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