Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
