Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
