If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
