Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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