Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
YAS. BRING CRAB.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
