So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
