Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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