We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
